On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Randomize
