Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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