No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
