There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
