They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
