Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
