Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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