everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
