At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
