I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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