Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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