Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
