you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
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