I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
