R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
