Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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