I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
