I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
