i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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