I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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