you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
