If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
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