Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
