ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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