The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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