i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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