my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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