god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
