I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
