Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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