Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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