Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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