I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
