only you would photoshop your dick
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
