She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
