How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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