I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize