that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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