when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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