Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
