Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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