I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
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