I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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