Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
