i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
