Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize