Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
