I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
