My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Boobs speak an international language.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
