so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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