apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
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