Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
