I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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