oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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