why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
