if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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