Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
