i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
