the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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