After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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