two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
